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The Characters of Van Gregr
by Robert Drake
Archduke Ferdinand Van Gregr
Archduke Ferdinand was born in Pittsburgh to Australian parents from New South Wales. Pittsburgh is well known as being deep in the heart of Owlbear territory and when Ferdinand was seventeen his parents were eaten by owlbears while defending the city. To avenge his parents, Van Gregr both fought the owlbear that killed his parents and planted an explosive charge on the USS Maine when it was stationed outside Cuba. His friends later used yellow journalism to bring the world his famous battle cry, “REMEMBER THE MAINE.” For his heroics Van Gregr was granted an archduchy in Prussia. After many peaceful years in Prussia he heard the tales of the magnificent Legendary Giant Owlbear. He now dedicates his life to hunting that legendary beast. His favorite song is Planet Claire by the B52s. It makes him feel like a true owlbear hunter. Van Gregr possesses the Tonka Truck of Badass Movie Heroes. Van Gregr is also famous for the giant party called Prommery he holds in his Prussian castle every year.
Ricotan the Half-Orc Poet
Half orcs were very common at the turn of the century. They lived freely with their orc, human, and quarter orc brethren. That all changed in 1926. Aquinas Drakodarius launched the Half Orc Holocaust of 1926 in 1926. Quarter orcs were able to apply for Quarter Orc Passports. All the half orcs were rounded up and forced to learn the poetry of such notables of Byron, Tennyson, Wordsworth, and Keats. These abstract mental exercises killed most of the Half Orcs, but Ricotan survived. Ricotan was the son of his mom and an orc named Carradine. Ricotan was captured in 1926, but was rescued by Ferdinand Van Gregr. Now, using his great poetic skill and fake quarter orc passport, which he received by trading in a half-orc ticket for a quarter orc passport, Ricotan the Half-Orc Poet travels the world with Van Gregr fighting owlbears, diseased gibberlings, and the soldiers of NOD. Ricotan has a small cottage in the Canyon of Instant Death which is near Egypt and El Paso, Texas.
Pardoner Johnson
Pardoner Johnson went to seminary school in Belfast specializing in vampiric abiogenesis. Johnson is actually not a pardoner at all, but an exorcist. Despite his religious background he is a crack shot with his Blunderbuss called Simon and a corporal with the chosen pardoners of which he and Van Gregr (the Captain) are the only members. Johnson met Van Gregr in Egypt while searching for the famous archeologist John Howard. Johnson was tricked into joining Van Gregr, but the two have become unlikely allies. Pardoner Johnson was recently instrumental to Van Gregr while consulting the archives of the Florescu family in Romania searching for clues to the lost heritage of Aquinas Drakodarius. Pardoner Johnson is skeptical of Van Gregr’s success, but remains in his employ because Van Gregr is just so damn charismatic and Johnson pretty much lacks the vibrant personality traits needed to get him ahead in life. Van Gregr also has Johnson's passport. Pardoner Johnson’s prime weakness is his obsession with candy. Pardoner Johnson has been known to sell fake pardons to buy candy.
Nizziadamus the Creepy Shopkeep
Nizziadamus was raised in south central New York to middle income parents. He went to the local community college where he majored in Shopkeepery. He minored in both Mystical Prophesizing and Ballistics. He is the inventor and sole manufacturer of the pocket howitzer. Nizziadamus currently has a store near the Canyon of Instant Death. He is known to feed candy to Pardoner Johnson. Nizziadamus also is an expert at catching escaping chickens. This ability has made him a key ally to Van Gregr as owlbears love chickens and the only way to refill his supply of chicken bait is to have Nizziadamus catch more. It should be noted in the future-past chickens can only be found in the wild usually living in herds led by Alpha Chickens.
Lisa Bertinelli
Bertinelli often gets kidnapped, usually by Humphrey Bogart who seeks to use her in his goal to control the Legendary Giant Owlbear. The Owlbear is believed to follow the wailing of the kidnapped Bertinelli. Van Gregr has taken advantage of this by occasionally rescuing her from Humphrey Bogart in the hopes that the Legendary Giant Owlbear will show up. Thus far that has not happened.
The Legendary Giant Owlbear
The Legendary Giant Owlbear grew up in post-depression era Kansas. He is now the largest most legendary giant owlbear ever. DUUUUUUUR DUUUUUUUUUUR. This has made him an owlbear celebrity. His eating humans and massive consumption of salmonmice has made him the target of numerous hunters, most notably Archduke Ferdinand Van Gregr. The Legendary Giant Owlbear is also hunted by Humphrey Bogart who hopes to control him thus allowing him to conquer the world and the silver screen all in one fell swoop.
Humphrey Bogart
Humphrey Bogart is Archduke Ferdinand Van Gregr’s rival in hunting the legendary giant owlbear. His career failing, Bogart believes the capture of the massive owlbear will turn him into an instant action figure/ emperor of the world. To this aim he occasionally works with Aquinas Drakodarius (who actually created the legendary giant owlbear by feeding him the legendary giant salmonmouse and secretly wants him returned to his house so he can keep his large indoor cat family in line) and Zorro who is hunting Archduke Ferdinand Van Gregr for being a Spanish imperialist. Humphrey Bogart kidnaps Bertinelli practically daily in the hopes of ensnaring the Legendary Giant Owlbear and because she looks like Princess Zelda whom he dated when he was younger.
Zorro
Zorro is a bounty-hunter-for-hire from the cantina of Mos Eisley. He specializes in hunting down Spanish imperialists. In this he tracks both Archduke Ferdinand Van Gregr and Aquinas Drakodarius. His two other marks are The Jack of Diamonds and Spiderman. These two contracts were paid for by Kaiser Wilhelm angry at the lost of the Hindenburg. Zorro occasionally rescues Bertinelli or Camposela de la Rosa when his plots need a love scene.
Don Drakos De La Bremer
Don Drakos was born in Bremerton, Washington. As the Cavalier of the Knights of the Black Cassock (a knightly order he made originally to compete against Don Quixote in the knight errant games of 1863) he leads he knights. Currently they have Lady Camposela De La Rosa and Lisa Bertinelli under their protection. Don Drakos De La Bremer has a castle in New Orleans. Don Drakos counts Aquinas Drakodarius, Jack of Diamonds, Spiderman, and Humphrey Bogart as his main enemies. His allies include Van Gregr, Zorro, his fellow Knights of the Black Cassock, and Jayfirth Jewdor, his never seen squire. Don Drakos is the world’s second best Othello player as well as a renowned protector of damsels in distress. He has the peculiar talent of being able to convert anything into “Don Quixote language”. Perry Boo Mason secretly guards over Don Drakos and the Knights of the Black Cassock by pretending to be their faithful hunting parakeet.
Don Richo Sanza de la Gabon
Despite his name, Don Richo Sanza de la Gabon was not born nor ever lived in Gabon. He was actually born in the rookery called Trenton, New Jersey. Don Richo Sanza is the second in command of the Knights of the Black Cassock under Don Drakos de la Bremer. He constantly asks Camposela de la Rosa to Prommery at the Prussian castle of Van Gregr, but she always turns him down. As a Knight of the Black Cassock, Don Richo Sanza is an expert harpoon sniper rivaling even the blunderbuss accuracy of Pardoner Johnson, who he often challenges to skeet shooting at the yearly skeet shoot in Kansas City. Perry Boo Mason is Don Richo Sanza’s hunting parakeet, but is actually a PSS agent in disguise. The parakeet special service agent protects Richo Sanza and the Knights of the Black Cassock from accidentally joining Aquinas Drakodarius army of lunatic warriors.
Don Nizziadorai the Blue
Don Nizziadorai escaped from his parents at the age of 37 and built a castle in Kansas City. It was there he met the newly formed Knights of the Black Cassock. After distinguishing himself in the fro event at the Knight Errant Games of 1863, Nizziadorai joined the Knights of the Black Cassock full time. With his fellows he protects Camposela de la Rosa and Bertinelli, who he hates, from Aquinas Drakodarius, his sworn enemy. Nizziadorai is a champion canasta player and an expert flamethrower operator. This talent makes him a rival of the Jack of Diamonds. Nizziadorai, like Richo Sanza, often asks Camposela de la Rosa to Prommery, but is always declined.
Lady Camposela De la Rosa
Camposela is the fair damsel under the protection of the Knights of the Black Cassock. She did not apply for their assistance, but they refuse to protect anyone else. This usually results in thousands of people who need assistance dying. Camposela De La Rosa is known to berate the lewd actions of Don Richo Sanza de la Gabon. Camposela De La Rosa is an old friend of Nizziadamus the Creepy Shopkeep. Her biggest hobby is refusing prommery invitations. Prommery, of course, being the biggest party held every year at the Prussian Castle of Archduke Ferdinand Van Gregr. Aquinas Drakodarius regularly kidnaps Camposela de la Rosa to entrap Perry Boo Mason and control the minds of the Knights of the Black Cassock. She also goes to prommery with him infuriating Don Nizziadorai and Don Richo Sanza.
Perry Boo Mason
Perry Boo Mason is a legend among avian secret agents. For countless centuries the PSS (Parakeet Special Services) has protected the world’s deranged lunatics from Aquinas Drakodarius’ insidious control. When their protection fails they commonly poison their detail with arsenic. Perry Boo Mason is the most experienced and successful PSS Agent alive. He has personally kept Van Gregr and the Knights of the Black Cassock alive with a minimum of arsenic. Perry Boo Mason can also speak space hamster (common in South America, especially Brazil) and has passed his Bar exam. He is a practicing defense attorney who has never lost. Aquinas Drakodarius has dedicated his life to killing Perry Boo Mason with overly elaborate plots of grand design, which Perry Boo Mason foils often with the help of his barely coherent companions.
Aquinas Drakodarius
Aquinas Drakodarius is a millennia old vampire from Bremerton, Washington. (Also the home of Don Drakos de la Bremer) Aquinas Drakodarius realized early in his life that only an unstoppable army of deranged lunatics would give him the power he needs to ban the use of chariots and other wheeled devices. (His goal in life.) For centuries he has tried to raise such an army though he has always been thwarted by his nemesis; Perry Boo Mason and PSS, the Knights of the Black Cassock, and Archduke Ferdinand Van Gregr. Aquinas Drakodarius is an experienced wizard as well as Othello Master. He is considered the finest, best-read, Othello player on the planet and is also a tournament ranked canasta player. Aquinas Drakodarius often kidnaps Bertinelli and Lady Camposela de la Rosa in an attempt to trap the Knights of the Black Cassock and Perry Boo Mason. Aquinas Drakodarius is a capable orator and is especially known for sarcastic diatribes usually on topics of little to no importance. Aquinas Drakodarius also runs a small charity for suffers of Matadorification. Aquinas Drakodarius owns a small mercenary group, called Team Badass, including Bowser, Ooblejube, Tyrannosaurus rex, the Red Baron, and Mordenhabitz the 43rd. He occasionally lends Team Badass to Humphrey Bogart.
Jack of Diamonds
Jack of Diamonds is the enigmatic, card-based, super villain who causes matadorification. He is being hunted by Kaiser Wilhelm for stealing the Hindenburg. Zorro hunts Jack of Diamonds. Jack of Diamonds is an expert flamethrower operator. His arch-nemesis is Spiderman. Jack of Diamonds is often an unwitting pawn in the schemes of Drakodarius. Jack of Diamonds regularly steals from Nizziadamus the Creepy Shopkeep’s store.
Spiderman
Spiderman is the crazed superhero who stole the Hindenburg with Jack of Diamonds who he now hopes to kill with the help of his purple net of goo. He is hunted by Zorro. With Jack of Diamonds, Spiderman is a pawn of Aquinas Drakodarius in his attempt to cause enough madness in the world for him to be proclaimed emperor of the world.
Jayfirth Jewdor
Jayfirth Jewdor is never seen because the show is always taped and aired on Friday nights and he’s Jewish. He is technically a squire in the Knights of the Black Cassock and during the week can be seen hauling the knight’s equipment. Unfortunately for Jewdor the knights always divide the week’s loot on Friday nights so he never gets any and is forced to spend another week in servitude. Some say Jayfirth Jewdor is a necromancer who lives in the city of Athkatla, but luckily no one has ever gone there not on a Friday night to find out. Another rumor says his name isn’t Jayfirth Jewdor at all and that’s just an insulting nickname. This has yet to be confirmed.
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