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Let Me Tell You Then
by Robert Drake
That was a good story. Sounds like you had a good day.
Yeah my day was pretty cool. I woke up early this morning. Did I ever tell you about my apartment?
No? Let me tell you then. My apartment is on the second story at the back of this apartment complex community thing. On the grounds there are like twenty of these large buildings that each have sixteen apartments, eight on the first story and eight on the second. Between each of the buildings are these paths with ponds and fountains and stuff on the side. My apartment has a single bedroom with this big walk in closet. There’s a bathroom and a living room that connects to a balcony. I got a chair out on the balcony, but I don’t use it much. There’s also a small kitchenette in the one corner that has a washer and dryer which is pretty sweet.
Yeah. It’s pretty cool. I love it here. Like I was saying, I woke up early this morning cause I’ve been trying to catch someone.
Don’t say uh oh. I haven’t said anything yet. Every day this week I’ve opened my front door to go to my car or get the mail or something and I see this pizza advertisement on the door. Every time I rip it off, but the next time I open the door…there it is again. This guy is amazing. I wasn’t gone more than two hours for class and when I came back…another one…sitting on my door. I’ve been trying to catch this guy…you know, to see where he comes from. He’s like some sort of ninja pizza advertisement guy. I ordered some of their pizza. It was pretty good, but when I asked the delivery guy if he knew who was dumping these slips by my door he didn’t know. I bet it was him. He probably doesn’t want anyone to know his secret identity as the pizza ghost.
Hahaha yeah I got a weird imagination. I’m telling you I am gonna catch the pizza ghost. I didn’t today though. He had already arrived. He comes before five. I know that much at least. I tried to go back to sleep, but you know how failure pisses me off…and makes me hungry.
Hey if you didn’t want to know how my day went you shouldn’t have asked.
What can I say I’m long-winded. I can’t be blamed that your day was so boring you could only come up with one entertaining anecdote. My day was awesome…a constant laugh riot.
Fine I’ll give you the short version…so I was cooking a bagel and the toaster started smoking. I pulled the knob to stop the thing, but it kept cooking. Toaster totally had a life of its own. I unplugged it, but this nasty black smoke was spewing from the thing so I began Operation Save My Bagel from Ruin. In retrospect it was probably…assuredly…really amazingly dumb, but I didn’t want to go grocery shopping again. The nearest grocery store is this weird place where everything is in Spanish. You try finding something when all the labels are in Spanish. Anyways I got a knife and started jousting with my toaster till I finally got the bagels out. You know what was smoking?
Very funny. My hands were fine. It was that little plastic tab thing the keeps the plastic bag closed. It had stuck to the bagel or something and was lodged at the bottom of the toaster. I eventually got it out and the thing works fine now…the bagels even survived with acceptable…edible…burning. After breakfast I did laundry.
There’s a story here I promise.
Do you really think I’d waste my time telling you about my laundry?
Shut up. I hate you.
Yeah, so I have these towels. They’re bright red. I’ve only had em for a few days and they’re brand new so they bleed when you wash em.
You know how new clothes sometimes leak ink? Well that’s what happened with this, but not yet. I put them into the wash and blah blah blah. While they were doing their thing I started doing dishes. So here I am washing the plates then the cups and then started the silverware when the washer buzzed. I took the towels outta the washer and put em in the dryer, but the ink came off on my hands.
See I told you there was a story here. I finished with the towels, but they made my hands this bright red color. Then I went back to washing the silverware. Couple minutes later my doorbell rings. I walk over, peak through the hole, see this some twenty something guy carrying what looks like a clipboard. I figure he’s maybe from the apartment manager or something. Anyways I open the door and the guy backs up like ten feet. He almost falls down the stares. I’m looking around trying to figure out what the hell was wrong him with…then I realized that I had bright red hands…and was drying a large knife. I had been cleaning off the knife I had used to cut my bagel that morning, but the poor guy freaked.
Yeah it was hilarious. I started laughing. It was just too good.
The guy finely calmed down, “Do you greet everyone like that?”
“I was washing dishes when you called. My hands are red from the laundry.”
“Um alright. That’s cool”
“Yeah sorry bout the scare. Seriously its just ink from the towels.”
I walked back inside, put the knife down, and got a bottled water for the guy. He thanked me and started on his spiel.
“I am here for the Career Services something something. My name is…something I missed it. AJ I think. What’s yours?”
“Robert Drake.”
“Robert Drake. Cool name. Isn’t that an author or something.”
“Not yet. That I know of anyway.”
“Cool so my Career service thing has prizes. Ask me what you win?”
“What do I win.”
“Nothing ask me what I win?”
“…What do you win?”
“Five thousand dollars and a trip to Europe. Ask me where I’m gonna go when I win.”
“Where are you gonna go when you win?”
“…Bezits…(or something like that…some island near Spain) Ask me why?”
“Why?”
“Chicks everywhere. You ever seen the Spanish girls?”
“Um…”
“Yeah you know what I mean. So ask me what place I’m in?”
“What place are you in?”
“Fifth, but I’m gonna be first. Ask me how?”
“How are you going to not be fifth and actually be first?”
“That’s a great question. I have to have the most points.”
“Really. I figured having the least would be enough.”
“Haha you’re witty. You are a witty man. What do you do for a living?”
“Student. Compsci major.”
“No wonder you’re so witty. Gotta be smart to work with those computers. You like computers?”
“I don’t mind em.”
“There’s that wit again. Can I use a table or desk?”
“What?”
“I need to write something real quick. You don’t kidnap people do you?”
“Not on weekdays.”
“Cool.”
The guy walked in and put all his papers down on my desk, “So guess how many points you need to win.”
“How many points do you need to win?”
“Awesome questions dude. You need 100,000. I’m pretty close to getting the Spanish girls….yeah…you know what I’m talking about. How long you been here?”
“Like a week.”
“Cool where you from?”
“Wisconsin…Green Bay.”
“Packer’s Fan?”
“Nah Seahawks.”
“Cool I’m from Washington. Ever see em play?”
“Last year I saw the first exhibition game between the Seahawks and Green Bay. Seahawks won by like four touchdowns. It was great, but they got my seats wrong. I was on the 4th row at the fifty yard line, but on the Packers side. Awkward.”
“Haha I can imagine. You tell some good stories. Hey this place is pretty cool.”
“Yeah it’s my humble abode.”
“Roomates?”
“Nope.”
“Nah dude that’s cool. Bachlor pad is rocking. I could totally fill this place up this evening. Nothing but cool people…no ugly chicks.”
I couldn’t help, but laugh, “Hahaha not today. I still got stuff to pack away and my walls are a little bare.”
“Yeah. You should get some artwork. You draw any?”
“Um a little bit. Nothing in color though.”
“That is totally cool. I draw. Like see that plant. I could draw that and like triple the size and it’ll look the same.”
“That’s awesome. I just learned drawing from being bored in class. It’s nothing but these random doodles.”
“That’s how I started. Boring classes are like the best art classes ever. I used to have this one math class that totally sucked and there was this girl just a few seats away from me. I used to draw her like every day man. At first I kinda hid my drawings cause I figured she’d think it was kinda creepy…which it was, but I was hella bored, but one day she them and was totally into me from that day on. Good times in math class…yeaaah.”
I just laughed. This guy was too funny.
“Right so my contest. I’m here nagging you and your neighbors to help me get some points. Ask me how I get points?”
“Can I guess?”
“Yeah sure dude.”
“You sell me something.”
“Rock on dude. You are amazing. I got these magazines for sale. I think I got a few you totally want to look at. Now I know you can get magazines anywhere, but this contest is for like business students. So they’ve totally got all these magazines on the cheap. This whole contest is to test businessmenship and charisma not like who can produce magazines cheaper. So here’s this list of magazines. Ask me which one is the best?”
“Which one is the best?”
“Playboy, but it’s not there. The best one is this pc magazine. Ask me why?”
“Cause that’s the one you think I’d be the most interested in buying.”
“Hahaha that’s my line. You are too fast. Most of customers are like repeat that I missed that who are you why are you knocking on my door. You know stuff like that.”
“It’s easier to just hold a knife.”
“Hahaha yeah totally. You got the customer thing down. So tell me will you get this magazine? Each issue is like one dollar. That is way better than newsstand. C’mon you’re a cool dude can you help me out. I want to get to Spain man. Think about it Spain. And you get a magazine on the cheap. We both win here.”
“I guess I could do a year’s worth of that magazine.”
“Awesome man. You are the coolest person I’ve met today.”
“It’s only ten.”
“Haha Self-deprecating humor. I love it. Right so forty four episodes at a dollar a piece plus…(mubble mubble mubble mubble) Alright…ninety two dollars and fifty cents And since you took that magazine from the special section that gets me…awesome dude you got me like 600 pts. I’m 600 points closer to Spain and Spanish girls.”
Now right I was trying to figure out how there were 44 episodes in a year and each was a dollar equaling ninety two fifty, but whatever.”
“I totally owe you, but first this is the hard part…”
“I owe you.”
“Yep. Right on man right on. I get more points if you pay cash or I take check.”
“Do you have seven fifty?”
“What?”
“Change?”
“What change?”
“I got cash, but only twenties. I’ll need change.”
“Oh seven fifty in change. Sorry dude you are too fast for me. That’s a first. I thought maybe you thought the magazines were seven fifty or something.”
I handed him one hundred dollars in twenties and he rummaged through his little side pack thing.
“Where is the nearest store?”
“Store? Like what kind of store?”
“Any store.”
“Well there’s this weird Mexican grocery store down the road that way and let’s see…and down there the other way there is an electronics store. You might be able to find a gas station closer going in either direction. I haven’t really been here very long.”
“It’s cool man. I am gonna leave all my stuff here and go make change.”
“Well I could write a check.”
“I got it covered. Here’s all your money, but this one twenty. I’ll run and make change. Will you guard my stuff? It’s got all my cell phone numbers, business stuff, my driver’s license, pictures of hot girls…everything.”
“I’ll guard it with my life.”
“Awesome. I’ll be right back in like fifteen minutes. I’ll be all like ironman competition and marathon runner crap. I’ll be like the flash.”
“No hurry on my end. I’m here all day. This is my day off. I’ve spent the last week buying and moving furniture in.”
“Sooner I get this the sooner I get to Spain.”
So the guy left leaving all his stuff sitting on my dining room table. Guy was insane.
I am not making any of this up. It all happened.
Yes I know I spent ninety dollars on a magazine subscription I didn’t need or really want, but hey it was more entertainment then fifty movies so I figure I made out alright. It’s not like I don’t read about computers. I will at least use the magazine. It’ll give me something to do. Who knows maybe I could get this story published or something. It’ll make me loads of cash.”
Alright when I said loads I was hyperbolizing. Maybe enough to cut my magazine losses in half. There you happy.
About twenty minutes later he came back drenched in sweat. It gets to be like one hundred five degrees here. It wasn’t quite that hot, but I wouldn’t be caught going faster than a slow saunter in this weather. He rushed in and drank from that bottled water I gave him earlier. He hadn’t gotten any quarters so I got away with the low low price of ninty two dollars which is two dollars and nine cents per issue, which isn’t that bad. He made change and after again asking if I wanted him to send over all his cute girl friends to my apartment left for the other apartment buildings. So that’s pretty much my story.
Yeah. I know. I am such an amazingly witty guy that I can’t not meet all these cool people.
Yeah the rest of my day was pretty boring. I had lunch…there’s this barbeque place that makes a really good Caesar Salad just up the road.
I don’t know why I get a salad from a barbeque place. How long have you known me? Seriously how long?
In all that time have I ever done anything that made sense…ever…at all?
Of course I haven’t. I’m Rand McRandom of the Random World Atlas from Five-One-Seven Random Street. I never make sense. Don’t ask stupid questions.
I took lunch back to my apartment and while I was eating it I heard Skateboard guy. I told you about skateboard guy right?
No it’s not the same as the pizza ghost. I hate Skateboard guy almost as much as pizza ghost. Every day at two thirty he skateboards past my place…oh how I loath him and his skateboard. That click click click swooossssh…click click click swooooossssh. I want to put barbed wire across the path. Just walk out at two and lay this long line of barbed wire. Then an hour later roll it back up. I just want to see his face when he comes up to this random barrier. Then I’ll walk out on my balcony WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO NOW SKATEBOARD GUY? BWAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHHA. He wouldn’t be able to do anything but skateboard the other way crying. You know he’d cry. Skateboard guys live in fear of having insurmountable barriers placed in front of them and then being taunted from a higher story.
I do not over-react. He’s a menace to society, but I’ve turned him into something useful. Every day after he passes I go get the mail. There’s this girl I pass. Everyday she is there on her phone. Every single day…same time…on the phone. She’s probably talking to the same person. It sure sounds like the same conversation each time I walk past her.
It’s not like I go out of my way to stand there. I don’t hide behind a bush so I can watch her talk on the phone. There is only one path to my mailbox and it goes right past her. For once this isn’t something weird of my doing. This is all her.
What can I say? She talks loudly. It’s not like she listens to her phone in the privacy of her own home. She’s outside leaning on the apartment building.
Yeah she is actually, but that is not why I go past her every day.
Shut up.
Hahaha I should. Anyway the mail was all crap and I was bored so I got the few people I know here together and we played poker until just a couple of hours ago.
Yeah I did win actually. Only like twenty dollars…poor man’s pot this time. I won on the river once so you can add that to my record. Remember that time it was just the two of us…You had pocket aces and the flop was a two, a queen and an ace. I had a two seven off, but went all in and you called.
Hahah Hey I’m just lucky. I didn’t know the next two cards would be twos. Pretty sweet beating trip As with Four Twos. Very sweet. Nothing like that happened to day. Not too much excitement. I got the cards…they didn’t. I won half my chips from folded hands. The one hand I won on the river was pretty small. I had high card jack he had high card ace. I got a jack on the river.
Yeah so that was my day. You got anything cool planned for tomorrow?
Nah? Tomorrow is gonna be amazing for me. I got more planned tomorrow than you’ve done in the last month.
Like what you say? Hahaha…let me tell you then….
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