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A Man Kicking a Rock Did Not Invent Soccer
by Robert Drake
I consider myself a connoisseur of history. Now there are two ways at looking at history. The first is to view history in reference to time. You study history from beginning to end as the product of different “isms” or the lineage of certain positions and empires. This is the history for men in red velveteen smoking jackets rattling off obscure facts on the dynasties of Capetian Dukes (Hugh Capet yay!) in a dusty mansion south of Lisbon. I much prefer the second way of analyzing history: history of the superlatives. This is the history of the tallest, the oldest, the biggest, and most importantly the greatest. There is no way to upset a historian more than to claim that his greatest is in fact just pretty good or even lame. Alas it is just that which I intend to do.
I view history as the product of inventions. Our history has been driven forward by ever-changing societies propelled by newer and greater inventions. The question that propels this paper forward is asking, what is the greatest invention in history. Most school children have had this question posed to them at one point or another usually to encourage formation of an argument. Rarely is the actual merit of their claim assessed. I intend to assess the merits of these “greatest invention” claims because I believe all the ones I have heard thus far are quite wrong. Indeed I shall go so far as to say that only I have yet suggested the truly greatest invention in history.
I must explain myself. First I must explain the criteria of an invention. I do not allow a broad definition, because if I did, we would not be debating the greatest invention, but rather the greatest thing. That is not what I intend to argue. An invention is not an innovation, nor a discovery, nor an addition. A verb is not an invention. No one invented running. Using an invention may be a related discovery, but the use itself is not an invention. Using an existing item in a different way is in and of itself also not an invention. A man kicking a rock did not invent soccer. Something already in nature is not an invention. An invention requires human intervention. An invention is not something that would or could have been created without the direct intervention of mankind. As such water is not an invention. Neither is bottled water. The bottle is an innovation on the invention of the container. The water is a substance made from two elements commonly found on earth. My definition may seem harsh or disjointed, but I believe my examples below will explain fully what is and is not an invention.
It is now that I intend to prove that the classic “greatest inventions” are either completely without merit or not inventions at all. One of the most commonly suggested greatest inventions is the wheel. A wheel is a round object often (but not necessarily) connected to an axle with a second wheel. A round object is not an invention. Connecting round objects in order to ease movement is also not an invention. And why not? Because you have “invented” a fallen tree or a large bone or a curiously shaped rock. The wheel is not an invention. It is a concept that was discovered and indeed the wheel may the greatest discovery of history, but to call it the greatest invention is laughable as it does not qualify as an invention at all.
Fire is also not an invention. Occasionally you will hear some historian rattling on about how man’s control of fire is the most important event in history. Therein lies the hitch. When man learned to control fire it was a great event, but not an invention. I don’t go to my barbeque and use my control of fire to light it. I might use matches, which are sticks of flammable wood not unlike twigs, or a lighter which would be little more than a container filled with flammable liquid, or a flamethrower which, I must say, is a pretty damn good invention, but definitely not the greatest…yet.
Commonly writing is suggested as the most influential and therefore greatest invention of mankind’s history. I believe writing is fantastically influential, but is more properly a discovery (like the wheel). Writing is either a verb, and therefore ineligible, or a noun meaning the symbols etched, carved, written, or pounded into a medium. These hollow symbols are only given their value when a common association is understood between a group of individuals. The state of knowing what these symbols mean is not an invention and therefore writing is not an invention. This is especially true considering the multitude of languages in the world. The “inventors” of Esperanto (L. L. Zamenhof), Klingon (Mark Okrand), and the language of the Deep Ones (H. P. Lovecraft) are two-bit hack inventors when compared to the “inventor” of Latin (Latin Mclatinus). Even if we consider writing an invention then each distinct language is its own invention and each taken alone would hardly be history’s greatest. Even the first language would fail since no one speaks guttural proto-human anymore.
The above are some of the most commonly suggested greatest inventions, but there are many more. Other claimants to the throne are the spear, the printing press, and the toilet. I shall begin my debunking with the spear. The most succinct definition of a spear is: (Noun) a pointy stick. I invent spears every time I find a fallen branch in the woods. This is not an invention and is not useful. A man carrying a heavy rock is more dangerous than anyone futzing around with a spear. People can eat berries so the spear is not exactly necessary for survival and it has few other ancillary uses. Therefore, it is a trashy invention. I admit Smores would be difficult without spears, but that just proves that Smores are also inadequate as a greatest invention.
The printing press is one invention to which I have to give credit. Without it the monks of Ireland would have had another few good years of working on those manuscripts with the humorous images along the margins. It is admittedly difficult to combat the perceived greatness of the printing press. If it weren’t for the printing press’ menacing effect on history it would be impossible. Luckily for me the printing press is directly responsible for such inane additions to life as business cards for clowns, Spanish language TV remote instruction guides, and the Daily Inquirer. Any invention that has brought such misery to the fast checkout lane of every grocery store in the free world has no claim at greatest invention ever.
The next invention on my list is the toilet. This is commonly put under the list of “modern plumbing,” but the greatest invention can’t be modern plumbing. Modern plumbing includes hundreds of inventions. What’s the point in debating the greatest invention ever you’re going to nominate more than one “greatest?” I might as well nominate “all of history’s greatest inventions” as the greatest invention of history. Getting back to toilets, I refuse to consider it the greatest invention ever. It is a waste of housing space considering holes and outhouses. If I wanted to flush away all the space in my bathroom I could have just as easily put a large bowl full of water in my closet. The toilet is filth as an invention.
So far I have spent all my time attacking other inventions. As much as I’d like to continue, perhaps setting my sights on telephones, electricity, automobiles, computers, television, and cement (only good for sidewalks that insolent bikers refuse to use, cold buildings, sun blocking monolithic constructs built by oligarchic tyrants, and aqueducts), I must finish this with my own greatest invention. Each of the above is a poor greatest invention especially when one compares it, without prejudice, to the invention of my own proposal: the Notepad Text Editor,
Making use of the built-in windows class called EDIT, the Notepad text editor is by far the most versatile, useful, and magnificent invention of our age. There are no other text editors like it and it most certainty is a man-made creation therefore it qualifies as an invention, but it is not just a normal invention. Would a normal invention be just as useful for grocery lists as for Perl programming, web design, an essay, or the rough draft of an email? Would a normal invention clock a hyper-fast load speed and an average file size less than half of that of any other text program? I think not. Notepad has and continues to revolutionize web design, scripting, script writing, scribbling and scrawling all without the insidious formatting characters that are the bane of any portability between the 6 billion people in the world who use or eagerly wish they were using Notepad.
I wish to end this paper not with a dismal note about history or another attack on toilets, but rather a call to arms for all Notepad users to rise up and proclaim their digital text notation solution of choice as the greatest invention of history. Armed with a good definition of invention (cut and pasted into Notepad) and a keyboard (preferably an IBM 102 Key Enhanced Keyboard) a Notepad user can do anything. And that is why Notepad is the greatest invention in the world.
Ansary, Tamim. (2005). The 10 Greatest Inventions, Retrieved March 27th, 2006 from http://encarta.msn.com/
Sanders, D John Ph.d. (1996). Revolutionary Inventions, Retrieved March 27th, 2006 from http://www.johnsanders.com/revolt.html
Wikipedia. (2006). Notepad. Retrieved March 27th, 2006 from Wikipedia at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Notepad
Yahoo Shopping. (2006). IBM 102 Key Enhanced Keyboard. Retrieved March 27th, 2006 from Yahoo Shopping at http://shopping.yahoo.com/
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