 |
|
|
The Louisiana Affair
by Robert Drake
It has come to our attention Article I (Name Removed. From here on called Article I) is suffering from CGTLS (Can’t go to Louisiana Syndrome). Indeed Article I is quite possibly the worst sufferer of CGTLS yet encountered. It is our determination that the only way to fix the problem is to enumerate the many reasons why Article I should be allowed to treat his CGTLS; the obvious cure being an official ambassadorial excursion to Louisiana. Fictional Governor of Louisiana Ike Shrimpo is quoted as saying, “All your Article I r belong to me". Article I must partake in the limitless beauty that is Louisiana to avoid sudden emotional breakdown due to peer awnage (to be drilled into repeatedly by peers with an awl).
A look over recent Article I-World Interaction confirms that a Louisiana trip is required to bring his nub-to-haxk average above its dangerously critical –1337 level. Repeated low-level awnings have built up such as plaque on the arteries. Unlike that unfortunate situation CGTLS doesn’t require cardiac catheterization. Rather it requires a trip to Louisiana. Studies indicate that other CGTLS sufferers almost always make complete or near complete recoveries post Louisiana trip. CGTLS in its advanced stages can lead to HGD or Human Godzilla Disease. Article I is at special risk of HGD due to his –1337 level. Falling 1337ness levels is not a problem to be ignored; nubish levels cause a deterioration of social values, individual hardship, and fights between Spiderman and the jack of diamonds on the Hindenburg.
Article I also has a deficiency in BRS (beauty related sightings). Luckily Louisiana has the world’s highest LBL. (Louisiana Beauty Level) Luckily the many individuals that constitute an LBL are chained together. This prevents any unhealthy unions between LBL members and suffers of CGTLS. An interesting side benefit was recently brought to our attention by a migrant worker. By decreasing the APSmQ (Article I’s family Per Square mile Quotient) it decreases the chance of a complete Article I extinction. It also reduces tensions between alpha Article Is claiming the same territory. The benefits of Louisiana out way the negatives of which there obviously are none…at all…ever.
Aside from HGD and Peer Awnage there are many other dangers to CGTLS. One possibility is he will become Zorro through a process known as zorroification. As everyone knows Zorro can’t resist fighting Spanish imperialists. He might also become an owlbear and be forced to survive eating salmonmice. It is possible he will become a masked matador who challenges people with the battle cry “DOES THIS MAKE YOU ANGRY” The worst symptom would be to become a goat and fall off a tall building. These symptoms must be prevented and quickly.
CGTLS isn't a threat to a single household. Nor is merely a statewide crisis. When Article I was born a plague was released; plagues too unimaginable to even conceive. All that we as humans will ever know for sure is that some day, somehow, Article I must partake in the state in Louisiana. The fate of the world, the universe, and the global defense initiative all rest on this, our pivotal moment in history. We must not let Kane and the brotherhood of nod destroy us with their siege tanks.
LONG LIVE THE ZERG
 |