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Drakeography
by Rico Catalano
Robert Drake is a young man of only seventeen years, but already has huge ambitions he wishes to fulfill. When you first see Robert, or as he is more commonly referred to as Bob, one takes notices of his many distinct features. First of all, Bob is a tall man with long, dark, straggly, unkempt hair. Peering from underneath the tangle of hair are his blue eyes that tend to wander, especially during conversation, either as a slight joke, out of pure boredom of conversation, or the uncontrollable urge to laugh at the person once eye contact has been made. He has a pale face, which is commonly unshaven reflecting his flippant and unaffected temperament. Lastly, Bob almost always wears a black shirt or jacket, accompanied by a trusty pair of slacks.
In a recent conversation with the infamous Drake, we were speaking of our ailments. I had much to speak of, anything from my annual sinus infections to my flat feet that have plagued me for years. When I inquired of his status, he informed that he is self-diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder. Simply put, Bob is “full of himself” and loves it. I also reminded him that I had recently been stricken with a mild case of influenza and was just beginning to recover. To my amazement, Bob is almost never sick, and the last occurrence of an illness was a plague he caught last March. How ironic is it that this also happened to fall on his birthday, the twentieth, and therefore he could not attend school? What a cruel world we live in. One trait that I noticed we hold in common was while we were partaking in the consumption of our favorite drinks, known as “usuals,” both of our glasses shook when we went to drink from our flasks, for we both are subject to frequent hand tremors. Bob and I must share a common ancestor for this to have occurred.
Bob’s reaction to criticism or praise is a rather strange and unique one. He either responds to a stimulus with arrogance and haughtiness, aloofness and detachment, or pure sarcasm and cynical flippancy. He was telling me the other day that the way he responds is entirely based on one of his many moods on his “mood scale,” which consists of the following: mildly amused, mildly annoyed, somewhat bored, or curiously semi-attentive. When I asked him what his current status was, I was surprised to find out that he was mildly amused by my interrogation. If I had been telling Bob one of my clever jests, instead of being mildly amused, Bob would undoubtedly be both mildly annoyed and somewhat bored. On the other hand, when Bob gives praise to someone or something, which is rare, it is always tempered with sarcasm. For example, instead of saying, “He is smart,” Bob Drake would say, “He is somewhat capable of being conversed with on topics of vague importance for short durations, occasionally.” The intricacies of his thought processes are above and beyond any human’s standards, even that of Stephen Hawking.
Bob Drake is possibly the most idiosyncratic person of all time. He absolutely abhors mayonnaise, rubix cubes, scatter plots (but likes pie graphs), Rico Suave, Weezer and Dance Dance Revolution. Bob also loathes New York, and likes anywhere that is not New York, except for Gary, IN and Trenton, NJ, or any place reminiscent of these two rookeries. If he comes into close proximity of any of these, he cringes in both anger and fear. Bob enjoys renaming both major and minor holidays, such as Drakomas, Drakesgiving, St. Patrick’s Day 2 and Drakonokah. He reads incessantly on the most obscure topics available, such as a manual for a 1988 VCR that he did not even own. Some of his other idiosyncrasies include the following: only using the font trebuchet ms size 8 bold while typing, referring to himself as Vik Randell, watching his mutual funds slowly increase daily, playing video games and mocking everyone while playing, making up fake football plays, quoting the movie Goldeneye, pretending to be either a vampire or a werewolf, using so called “go codes” before going to any social gathering, worshiping inanimate objects, referring to any quantity as either eight or a number containing eight, spinning and calling it a “swat turn” and randomly yelling the barbaric phrases “Uhhhh!” “Othello!” “I’m hot!” “Owlbear!” and “Look out for the deer!” whenever possible. His last great idiosyncrasy is his race against Shakespeare for the most created words in the English language. Currently, his collection consists of words such as, “caeke” and “awned.” At this rate, Bob will be the most revered literary figure in the English Language.
One of Bob’s annoying habits is that he habitually makes joking connections between the most obscure topics possible. For example, once he told me if you put a mouse under your pillow the computer fairy will come and give you a new motherboard. If that is not ingenious, then I do not know what truly is. Bob is an apathetic man, but claims it is simply realism. He also tends to be very stubborn and condescending, as today when asked to go to Chester instead of Goshen, he fiercely resisted any change of plan. He asks people to do his bidding, but has no intention of repaying the debt and simply wishes to watch him or her carry out the tedious task assigned. Also, when he finds a funny phrase such as, “I have your chairs!” Bob will always use it no matter what the occasion calls for. Bob tends to be able to create traditions among our acquaintances seemingly at random, such as walking through Filenes multiple times and gathering every Friday to watch Battlestar Galactica, or as Bob calls it, “Attletar Alactica.” Aside from these traits, Bob does have positive traits, as he is not vain and can occasionally be charismatic and capable of debate, topic permitting. Although he claims to be completely insane, he is actually a genius who is too advanced for his time. You will never find an equal to Bob in personality as he truly has an adroit and unique persona.
Bob has little to no moral values in his life. In fact, he has no affiliation with any standard religion and despite for some dabbling with Tao, he prefers reason and rationality. He refers to his value system as “Drakonian,” which also contains a distinct lack of empathy. When asked exactly about his motivations in life, he responded, “My motivations consist almost entirely of greed, arrogance, laziness, and my personal sense of randomness and aesthetics.” The only being that Bob worships is called the “B12gumgourde,” which consists of a bottle of the B12 vitamin, a stick of Bubbilicious® gum and a festive gourde. Despite his lack of morality, Bob is good-natured, although this may just be a byproduct of his laziness. He considers morality to be transient, or as Hobbes said, “A man’s conscience and his judgment is the same thing; and as the judgment, so also the conscious, may be erroneous.” Bob believes that nothing is innately bad or good but rather has to become so. Bob also is not judgmental of anyone as he looks down upon everyone equally. The only unbendable moral stance Bob has aside from his dislike of the sanctimonious is when it pertains to the environment. He has extreme distain for those who do not care for the environment, such as people who drive Hummers or who want to drill for oil in Alaska. Bob would rather save the life of a rabid three-headed monkey than that of a gas-guzzling fiend. If everyone were to follow Drake’s teachings the world would not be in the chaotic state that it is today.
Bob Drake is one human being who I can personally say is most likely to one day become Emperor of the World. Anything from his thought processes to his many rational phobias, Drake has all the characteristics of an outstanding leader. With no religion to cloud his mind, Bob is capable of making decisions of an extremely advanced caliber. His quirks and strange qualities are what make him the unique person he is today. If you ever take a trip to Arizona in the years to come, make sure to hear what words of wisdom Bob has to say.
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